If I Told You Who It Was…
Performed by Bale Harrison & The Texas Field Hands
Parody of Johnny Cash’s “If I Told You Who It Was…”
If I Told You Who It Was… – Music and Lyrics by Alan Nafzger
Verse 1:
I was down in Nashville, just the other day,
I wanted to catch a show and hear some country played.
So I hailed a cab, out to Titans Way,
But they sold out of tickets, not one could be found.
So I hung around backstage, not much else to do,
When out she walked out in sparkly, red-hot shoes.
I said, “Wait a minute, is that who I think?”
Yup, it was her, quicker than a blink!
Chorus:
If I told you who it was, you’d call it bull,
You’d say I’m making it up, and I’m a dimwit.
She’s been on every stage, from pop to country fame,
But if I told you who it was, you’d think it’s a game.
She said, “Let’s keep this secret, don’t let it slip out,”
And by golly, I’m gonna keep the secret…
But you wouldn’t believe me if I told you her name.
Verse 2:
Well, she smiled at me, and said, “Need a ride?”
I said, “You’re a star, that’d be one hell of a drive!”
So we hopped in her car, cruised through the night,
Talked about old country songs, everything felt right.
I told her, “I’ve heard everything from ‘06’ to just the other day,”
She laughed and said, “I sold a few; ya don’t say?”
We pulled up to my place, the lights shining dim,
She looked at me and said, “Wanna sing… Joleen?”
Chorus:
If I told you who it was, you’d say I’m a liar,
We sang Crazy and Coal Miner’s Daughter.
She was singing country, there’s not much hotter.
She’s in every headline, selling out each show,
But if I named her now, it wouldn’t be on the down low.
She said, “I’m really not a pop star, just a country girl at heart,”
I said, “Money is money, I’ll keep your pop music secret…”
But you wouldn’t believe it if I told you what she said.
Bridge:
We sang Harper Valley P. T. A, she strummed her guitar,
I said, “You’re the brightest of all country stars.”
She winked at me and said, “Oh, you’re too kind,
But there’s a beat you’re missing, but I think you’re fine.”
Chorus:
If I told you who it was, you’d never believe,
You’d say I’m making it up, just trying to deceive.
But this night with a star, I Beg Your Pardon,
But wait, there’s one more we sang, Rose Garden.
She said, “Let’s keep it secret, just for us two,”
But man, you wouldn’t believe me…
Even if I told you, it’s true.
Outro:
But just as we sang “There’s gotta be a little rain sometime,”
The door flew open, right at the wrong time.
In stormed a guy, big as a tree,
I said, “Who’s this, Tay?” as he stared at me.
Turns out, it’s that football guy from wherever, the Dallas Chiefs?
He looked at me like I stole his tractor.
Before I could blink, he threw me right through the window
It shattered, and out I flew!
So if I told you who it was, you’d never guess,
But it’s true, man, that monster made me a mess!
Now I’m lying outside with a face full of glass,
Wondering how I ended up in this mess so fast!
————
If I told you who it was you’d think I’s kidding.
I’d be in more trouble than a rooster at a Coyote weddin’.
If I Told You Who It Was… Image Gallery
The Cowboy, the Pop Star, and the Football Star
By Alan Nafzger (2023)
In Nashville town, one quiet night,
A cowboy wandered, seeking delight.
He hoped for music, country’s best,
But found sold-out seats, not one to rest.
He lingered back by the backstage door,
When out stepped a star he couldn’t ignore.
In sparkly boots, red-hot and bright,
Taylor Swift herself, a dazzling sight.
“Is that really you?” he stammered in awe,
She nodded and grinned, without a flaw.
“Need a ride?” she asked with a wink and a smile,
The cowboy thought, “I’ll go that extra mile.”
In her fancy car, they sang through the night,
Songs of the heart, old and new, felt just right.
From “Jolene” to “Coal Miner’s Daughter,” they crooned,
The cowboy swore he’d never feel so swooned.
They pulled up to his place, the moon shining low,
She grabbed her guitar, strumming it slow.
“I’m just a country girl at heart,” she confessed,
“But if I told you who I was, you’d say I’m obsessed.”
They laughed and sang until the first light of dawn,
When suddenly, the door swung open with brawn.
A towering figure, with a footballer’s might,
Stormed through the door, ready to fight.
“Who’s this?” asked the cowboy, eyes wide with fear,
“That’s my boyfriend,” she whispered, “Travis is here.”
In one swift move, the cowboy took flight,
Out the window he flew, into the night.
Now he lies in the grass, dazed and confused,
Face full of glass, feeling used and bruised.
If he told you who it was, you’d think it’s a jest,
A tale of a cowboy, a pop star, and a guest.
So here’s the lesson in this crazy affair,
Sometimes it’s best not to meddle or stare.
For you never know who might walk through the door,
And throw you out faster than you can implore.
